Straight Bloomer Pt. 3

18+ PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST

2011 - 2012

The minute I open my eyes, I immediately jolt up to my computer logging into Tumblr. I discovered it at the beginning of last school year and have been glued to it all summer. The goal is to remain completely anonymous to any friends or classmates who were also using the site. It’s fun to design a space for myself and all my inner workings. A place to create a different version of myself and get to be cryptic with my reality. Imagine if MySpace, Twitter, and Pinterest made a baby, it would’ve birthed Tumblr. I am obsessed with it, the thrill of chatting with other guys from other states, getting to flirt and sext with them. To have actual boys notice me, was like an electric shock to my mind. It was the first time where I saw representation for the LGBTQ+ community and felt welcomed and seen. I sat there browsing through my Tumblr dashboard, I re-blog photos of very hot shirtless men, outfit inspirations, aesthetically pleasing art, and motivational quotes. I drooled over the boys I talked to and the Tumblr famous guys. I allowed my thoughts to run wild with fantasies of hooking up with these guys and pining for their attention. I’m not gonna lie, Tumblr also was great for finding tasteful porn too. While I didn’t post any of it to my blog, I still looked at it, and of course like any other teenage boy… used it for masturbation. But seriously, Tumblr made me feel more mature and introduced me to a whole new world of boys, aesthetics, and art. I started to realize that the world is bigger than the four walls of my high school or the suburb I am surrounded by. The guys I talked to were not like the ones I was in classrooms with. For starters, they were older, 18 to 23, and they were deeply intellectual, artsy, and stylish. I sat at my computer so distracted by pictures of naked men that I almost didn’t notice the time and jumped up to get ready for school.

It’s my first day of 10th grade, sophomore year. I have a late start cause like last year and in the years to come the freshmen get the first part of the day to get acquainted with the school. “Bye, Mom! See you after school.” I yell halfway out the door. Walking to the bus stop I notice all the other kids waiting. I don’t know a single one, a curse but also a blessing of going to a big school. Not everyone knew who I was, nor knew any of my secrets, and if anyone did… chances are they wouldn’t care all that much... Getting to school, I saw my friends at the spot where we decided to meet every morning. Happy as I look over and see Aleia, she decided to come back after last year to finish high school here in Arizona. After going over classes to see if we had any together, Aleia and I discovered we have English together. This excites me because it’s the first time since 7th grade I get to have my best friend in class with me. The bell rings and we all start to part ways to find our classes. This year was easier to navigate since I’ve been in pretty much every hallway of the school. As my first day was coming to an end, I entered my last period, beginners’ dance. A good friend urged me to join the dance department in middle school, it was something I wanted to start with freshman year especially to get out of taking P.E. but a girl in 8th grade told me I would’ve been made fun of, and I was in no position to jeopardize my reputation at the time. This year though after everything I realized, I didn’t care much for what people thought of me, I am gonna do what I want, and everyone else can deal with it. It was nice to be around all the girls too, I was the only boy in the whole dance department and I didn’t feel like I was an alien on a straight-boy planet. I found it easier to talk to my female classmates than I did any of my male counterparts. Girls just make me feel seen, and they uplift me. When it came to boys, they didn’t know how to talk to me nor were they comfortable connecting with me. They either talked to me to make themselves look good “Hey look at me! I’m being nice to the weird gay kid!” or to find silly little ways to ask if I was gay. Like in art class this year, I sat next to two varsity football players who asked if I was a Lady Gaga fan while giggling as they thought they were so smart. Rolling my eyes, I realized I could never avoid answering that question period.

Regardless, of my awkward encounters with straight males. I was enjoying dance so much that I decided to get more involved by being a dance council representative. The council was in charge of helping plan dance shows, fundraisers, and trips. Through the council, I befriend a senior, Taylor. She’s the dance dept. president, and even cooler, she’s on the school’s dance company. Taylor invited me along with some friends to a club called YL, I didn’t know what the organization was but Taylor seemed so sweet plus she was an upperclassman, so of course I wanted to take any opportunity I could to be her friend. It was a costume-themed party so I wanted to show up as something funny, I decided a banana would do. Super nervous at the beginning of the night, I was taken aback by how nice and welcoming everyone was, I saw lots of people that I recognized from school too. Even some old middle school friends. My friends who came with me seem to be enjoying it too, besides Aleia, she is an introvert with only so much social battery to give. I wasn’t questioning what the point of the group was, but Aleia was trying her best to figure out what YL was. Just before we could grow more curious, the leaders gathered us in and encouraged us to find a seat on the ground of the student’s house we were at, one of the leaders started talking about the meaning of YL, and when I heard the words “Jesus Christ” and “Christianity” leave his mouth I was a bit surprised… side-eyeing my friends who were a bag of mixed reactions. He continued with his testimony, I couldn’t help but feel confused as I didn’t see Taylor nor anyone here as bible thumpers. They were all so cool, and I’m sure they could tell I was gay… and if they couldn’t tell I’m sure someone at school told them. I came dressed as a freaking banana for heaven’s sake (all puns intended.) Religion and I have a very weird relationship. I haven’t been to church since I got baptized on Easter Sunday at 9 years old, I don’t pray to God, and I don’t follow commandments of any kind. I just wanna be a good person, and accept those for who they are. Since I was 12 I thought to myself, if these people don’t want me, I don’t want them. I was not, and I’m still not willing to give up who I am to people or a god who looks at me like an abomination. But on the other side, I liked everyone here. And from what the leader is saying it seems like my values align… I wanted to be friends with the people here, and even if everyone knew I was gay I still felt like in some weird way I could try to be a part of the community here.

As the year continued, I found myself enjoying everything I was part of. I have my license now, and as a gift, my mom gave me our family’s 2005 Ford Explorer. I spent a lot of time out of the house with friends, at YL, or doing night drives on the weekend. I always thought it was such a contrast for little gay me to be driving this huge SUV truck. But it was big enough to fit all my friends and I'll admit it’s reliable too. I decided to name the truck Gladis, the cutest old lady around. I felt a sense of freedom, when I felt like I needed to escape I could leave my house and go wherever I wanted. But on the contrary, when my mom would argue with me about racking up a hefty gas bill and I had to stay home, you could find me in my room blasting music and glued to my computer screen, still Tumblr obsessed, it’s helped me find new places to shop, boys to fawn over, and music that I wanted to choreograph dance pieces for class, music that spoke to my heart, and music that I fantasized about boys too. I continued to connect with guys online more than I did with boys in real life. I got more guidance on navigating religion and sexuality from gay men on Tumblr than I did being involved in YL. In school, I didn’t find myself seeing any guys attractive anymore. I wanted emotion, connection, and intimacy, something that no guy was giving me at school, or at least the guys I wanted that stuff from. To be fair, a lot of the upperclassmen and college leaders at YL were very attractive don’t get me wrong… however, not only were all of them straight (from what I know), but they were also “men of God”. It felt absolutely weird to have feelings for them especially sexual feelings at that. I found myself very conflicted. While I grew more involved in YL, I noticed the guys and even the male leaders were awkward to connect with. While most of the guys were nice to me I knew why they set barriers, I knew that it had to do with my personality. I found it easier to hang out with the girls, and I felt way more comfortable talking to female leaders about the issues I experienced as a teenager even things that had nothing to do with God or religion. In ways I feel like I’m living a double life, outside of YL I strived to be creative, I wanted to kiss boys and express myself for who I was. I can say wholeheartedly that religion was not a part of my personality whatsoever. While the thought of God judging me for thinking of having sex (especially with guys) did make me uncomfortable, I didn’t worry much about the guilt YL would try to instill in me when asking us not to give into “temptation.” However when I attended YL, I felt a part of something, and I wanted the approval of these people. I feared losing all the friends I made, and worse them finding out about how I expressed myself outside of here. I left feeling ashamed but somehow full. I began to think that being involved in YL would make up for the so-called “sins” I was acting on. The things I would do, the way I would think became the skeletons I wished would never come out of the closet. I started to question if this was really what I wanted. Were these the friends worth having, if this is how I felt a majority of the time around them? Am I a pure, nice, and clean Christian or a gay testosterone-filled, attention-seeking teen boy?

As my sophomore year was coming to an end, it was bittersweet. All the YL seniors I had grown to find comfort in were leaving, and the two main leaders were also leaving. I knew it was going to change the way YL would run. Also watching the senior solos in the Spring Dance Show was getting me a bit emotional. I’m about to be a junior… an upperclassman. It feels strange, and I hope that I can continue my growth as an artist, and in my journey through whatever this confusing adventure with religion. Things are changing, and I just got comfortable with the way everything is. I am not sure if I am ready for change, but I knew it wasn’t going to stop. Shaking off my growing pains and to kick off the summer, I decided very last minute I was going to join our YL group in a week-long summer camp in Colorado. We met in my school’s parking lot to load onto a charter bus. We stopped to do white water rafting, then to a small Colorado town for a little tourism. As we got closer to the camp, I was asked to lodge with the soon-to-be freshman and sophomores, while the rest of the guys in my grade got to be with the upperclassman. I wasn’t too crazy about this idea, but the nice person that I am, I agreed. As we got to the camping grounds, I was blown away. Some cabins lined a culdesac-like hub. It was so green everywhere, there was a pool and a volleyball court. A huge lodge for dining and what I’d assume was where we’d worship. To be honest, I didn’t know if I was ready for this. But it was too late now, I was already here, and they took our phones for the whole week so that felt real. Throughout the week, we did activities that in some ways directly correlated with building trust in God and the foundation of our relationships with Him. The only activity that I could not do, was the rope course. They clipped you up so many feet off the ground, and my fear of heights got in the way of my trust in God. (sorry God but I am not willing to fall 20-30-something feet from the sky to prove that I trust you.) After activities, we’d have free time to just hang out and have one-on-ones with our leaders, then meals in between, and lastly at night, we’d go to the great lodge for worship and then cabin time with our cabin mates. For the first few nights, I did cabin time with the new freshmen and sophomores. The leaders were younger and tried their best to have the boys take it seriously. When they couldn’t, I felt bad for this but I asked if I could do cabin time with the upperclassman and the guys in my grade (soon to be juniors) as I felt they were on the same level emotionally as me. That was a turning point for me. The guys were a lot nicer to me and took me in, I felt super welcomed in the space. It only took me until the 2nd night with them to feel confident enough to officially come out to them in cabin time. I was so nervous, my heart was beating and if this failed I’d have to spend the rest of the week with these people… but after being asked what my biggest struggle with God was, that was the biggest thing on my mind. After I told them, they all hugged me and told me how much they supported me. It made some of them even cry which in turn made me cry. It was the first time I bonded with straight men, and it was the first time I felt protected. And to my surprise, it happened in the last place I would’ve expected. At the end of the camp, on the way home I didn’t want to leave. I made authentic friends, ones I felt would support me through anything. But I was excited to go home to my non-YL friends. Cause I knew they would always support me, and be my constant safe space. I spent the rest of my summer imagining what Junior year was going to be like. I was voted into a higher position in the dance council so the new year’s council met to plan things for the new dance year to come. I didn’t talk much to the guys on Tumblr, it was great in all but I never found long distances to work, nor did I find it as fulfilling as something I wished for in real life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still find myself lusting over all the photos of naked men, but when I disguised it with shame/sin rather than natural teenage boy attraction and testosterone it always threw me off. On top of my already unrealistic expectations for a boyfriend, religion is adding more to that plate making it impossible to find any suitable matches. At this moment there is a huge wedge in my plea for a boyfriend… His name is Jesus Christ.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT CONDONe Nor SUPPORT THE ACT OF MINORS LOOKING AT INAPPROPRIATE/Adult Online MEDIA or TALKING/DOING INAPPROPRIATE ACTIONS WITH ADULTS ONLINE OR IN REAL LIFE. I AM NOT TRYING TO GLAMORIZE THIs. THE INTERNET WAS A NEW and Growing TOOL for me GROWING UP AS A TEENAGER, AND IF I AM GOING TO REMAIN AUTHENTIC TO MY UPBRINGING/STORYTELLING THEN I NEED TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING. THERE WERE MANY WEBSITES I SHOULd HAVE not BEEN ON AS A MINOR. AS ADULTS, IT IS OUR JOB TO PROTECT and HAVE REALISTIC/HONEST CONVERSATIONS WITH THE MINORs IN OUR LIVES To Ensure they are aware of what apps, websites, and media that is appropriate for them to use. In addition, conversations of the very real dangers/issues that can occur when having an online presence in any space