Straight Bloomer Pt.4
18+
“Something to get me through the night.
Like watching a sunrise with colors so bright.
You bring comfort even in the darkest of days there is never a fright.
With a spark that can bring turn darkness into the light.
You have a face so beautiful it will never leave my sight. ”
2012 - 2013
Fall
I sit on the floor while on the phone with my best friend Justin who is trying to explain a portion of our math homework to me. I am horrible at math, and this new textbook, “Pathways” that we got for our classes is making it ten times worse. (FUCK PATHWAYS FOREVER AND ALWAYS.) It’s the first week of school and I’m already failing math miserably. After a painful attempt to understand an ounce of what Justin was explaining to me, I decided to call it quits. My brain was going to explode if I tried to crack the codes on these problem-solving equations. Once I was off the phone, I put on some music and tried to zen out, I got on Instagram and started mindlessly scrolling through all the posts. Reflecting on my first week of junior year, I am very excited about the fashion and textiles course I’m taking and I’ve moved up from beginners dance to intermediate/choreography dance this year. It’s going to be an exciting year for my art career. I still can’t believe I am going to YL, the new leaders are okay… They are the younger, newer, and less experienced ones from last year. I don’t connect well with the male leaders all that much but I am willing to give them a chance. Because of my time with YL and the relationship I am trying to have with God. I have slowed down on the mature content through Tumblr and while I still find myself using it for inspiration for art, music, and style, I have slowly stopped talking to the men on there too. To be quite honest I’ve lost all interest in wanting a boyfriend, it’s tiring and school seems to be challenging enough right now. But on the other side, I’d be lying if I said that boys weren’t on my mind, I guess it’s just about which ones? When will he present himself to me? And will they interfere with my focus? All I know right now is here I am, starting a new year, as an upperclassman, and fully focused on myself and my craft. I will not be looking for a boy, but wishing that one will look for me.
I find myself sitting in a meeting with my math teacher, my IEP case manager, and my mom. (For those who don’t understand, IEP stands for Individual Education Program.) I have one for math, and I hate it. I just wished it clicked in my head, I sat there as my mom fought with the two teachers trying to explain how I was failing. Tears were running down my face and as I got more frustrated with the conversation I ran out of the room and straight to my friends in our morning meeting spot. I sobbed. “What’s wrong?!” They all gather. I explain to them what’s going on and they all try their best to console me. It was all embarrassing, my mom yelling at them, and me sitting there trying to not get frustrated. While I never underestimate my mom’s ability to understand things, she is foreign and very hard-headed. It’s not the teacher’s fault… it’s the damn textbook and my brain. “Pathways” has been the bane of my existence since we started using it for Algebra 2. What didn’t help was my IEP manager was older and didn’t understand it either. Hell, the fucking teacher got confused during the lessons. It was the first year they all switched to this method of teaching and we were the guinea pigs. To be honest it was something I prayed to understand anytime the YL leaders gave us a “moment of silence with God” during worship nights. As the bell rings my friends give me one last boost of encouragement, not wanting to go back to the parent-teacher meeting I walk to my first class of the day. (You’re gonna love this, my first class is math..) Puffy-eyed and trying not to cry I look up to see Julian in passing. He caught my attention freshman year, but I always thought he’d be cuter the older we got. (I wasn’t wrong.) We locked eyes and I quickly turned not wanting him to see my flushed puffy face. I’m drawn to his super rosy checks, curly brown hair, and his mysterious demeanor. Up until this year, seeing him around is a rare occasion. But luckily I see him more often as we have some of the same passing period routes. I wonder if he’s ever noticed me and what he thinks of me. But also, most of me doesn’t want to know what he thinks of me. I know I probably won’t like his thoughts. However, thinking about kissing him is the perfect distraction I need from this nightmare of a morning.
Spring
It’s finally nearing the season of prom and traditionally… as a junior, I can go. Here’s the bad news, I have no eligible suitors, and all the other openly gay guys that can go to prom are already “promposed” to each other. Also to be fair, none of them were attractive to me. I desperately (secretly) wished that one day, while I was sitting on the window sill in my room… I’d peer out and see Julian with a big sign in the middle of the street in the pouring rain asking me to go with him. Beautiful in theory, however not at all realistic. He has a girlfriend, to be honest she’s not all that pretty… and seems kinda bitchy but while I can’t compete with her, I can still complain, what does she have that I don’t? Oh right, boobs, a vagina, and a lot less body hair. That alone eliminates most of the guys I can imagine myself going to prom with. What also doesn’t help, is I have a strict policy on being asked and not asking someone. I always imagined myself being asked and I blame every romantic comedy I’ve watched for giving me unrealistic expectations. Maybe it just isn’t my time. Trying to convince myself of everything else I have going on, like aiming to get an early acceptance in the art school of my dreams, academic classes, prepping for dance company auditions, and my weird relationship with God/YL that maybe I didn’t have time for a relationship. However, the convincing doesn’t work much, I can’t imagine going to prom with anyone but a boy.
I bore my loneliness in silence and decided to ask Ash, a girl the grade below me to be my “friend date” to prom. We became good friends since she was in the dance company and I grew close to all the girls on the team as one of them was already my best friend. I might be dancing with Ash a lot next year and I wanted to bond a bit before then, she is super sweet, gorgeous, and fun. I know she’ll be the life of the party. She also has a thing for a guy in my grade and they’ve been talking here and there so who am I to deny one of my friends a leg up in trying to score a boy? Linked arm in arm with Ash, we stood taking pictures. I look around at all the parents gushing over how cute we looked, I’m wearing a black Calvin Klein rental from Men’s Warehouse with a royal purple tie, while Ash is in a short puffy sleeveless dress to match. She looked stunning, one thing I couldn’t get passed was how out of place I was feeling. When it was time to do a group picture of all the boys that were there, I stood there with all of them and had to pretend I was friends with all of them when in reality I didn’t talk to any of them regularly, they were nice in all but I knew none of us would talk after that night. I did, however, earn a leg up with one of them, I ended up fixing the button on one of their suits. Noah, the boy whose button popped off, was panicked as his suit was a rental too. I asked a parent if they had a sewing kit, I took his jacket and made a quick repair—the perks of being the son of a seamstress. “Thank you, I owe you one man!” Noah says, “No worries, it’s an easy fix.” I said smiling as my friend’s mom took the sewing kit back smiling warmly. Mineling and trying not to be awkward while we waited for the limo to arrive, all I could think about was wanting a boy to share this with. I look at all the actual couples in the group and see how happy they look. Noah and his girlfriend look so excited. and I’m sure you can see on my face how badly I want that connection. The limo pulled up and we started to pack like sardines inside, one minute we were dancing to some rap song in the back and the next minute we were pulling up to the prom venue. The theme is fire and ice and to be honest they did no decorating. Just an ice sculpture and some fire decor poorly spread around. I wish Aleia were here to make fun of all of this with, she did not under any circumstance want to come tonight she was not one to involve herself in any high school events no matter how hard I begged. If it were up to me, we would have been each other’s dates. I peer to see if I could find Justin, he had a date in a different group so we met up at his place so his mom could take pictures of us before we went with our separate groups. I’m sure that only made the rumors that he and I were dating worse, but one thing I loved about our friendship is that stuff like that didn’t get in the way of it. I respected Justin for always sticking by my side, but also felt bad anytime he was picked on for it. While I can’t seem to find him, I only hope he and his date are having fun. Zoning back into the moment, I realized they were announcing prom royalty, and as we all watched the winners get crowned and start to head to the dance floor for a slow dance, the DJ then invited everyone to join. I looked around for Ash as we promised to save this dance for each other. She had been in and out of checking in since she was with the guy she had been trying to (seriously) date most of the night, I don’t mind though, that was part of the deal having her here. Once we found each other, we started our slow dance, I got carried away and busted into interpretive dance making the duo moment into a solo. Ash gave me so much crap for it for the rest of the year, but all in good fun (I hope.)
Prom wasn’t all I thought it was going to be, like I said before I wished I had someone to share it with, Ash was a great date but she wasn’t a boyfriend. I wanted so badly for a boy to swoop in and carry me away. As I looked around at all the guys here, I couldn’t seem to find Julian or any of the other cute ones. Later to find out, they spent most of the night on a party bus riding around town with their dates. From what I heard they sat in a circle passing the girls on the bus around for lap dances and make-out sessions. I pictured Julian making out with multiple girls, wishing I was one of them. Well really, the only one… I feel myself getting tired of yearning for these guys. I know it’s getting old, and I keep a lot of it to myself, as I know that bitching and moaning about it won’t help. No one will understand how frustrating it is. But I can’t help it, my fantasies are the only thing I have. I feel as though my bar is set so high and no one is willing to step up to the plate. Maybe, I am just not being forward enough.. but realistically I can’t change the way straight boys feel. I can’t make them feel how I want them to. And I unfortunately don’t know how to stop myself from feeling this way for them either… they are all I have, the only options I can dream about in this small sad suburban town. I can’t wait to be out of high school, out of this town, doing something more with my life. I know that when I leave, everything is gonna happen for me.
2013 - 2014
Fall
I walk into the school for the “last” first day of high school. I can’t believe I am a senior, leaving this behind and moving on feels bittersweet but I am ready to enjoy every last minute of it. This year is gonna be a breeze, most of my classes are art classes. I am the teacher's assistant for two of the dance classes and I made the dance company! (A huge achievement for me as I am the first boy to join the company.) In addition, I’m taking fashion and textiles courses to prepare for FIDM, the art school in LA I will be attending next fall. I didn’t apply to any other schools because I knew I was destined to go to FIDM since Lauren Conrad from the MTV show, “The Hills” went there. The downside of all of this is still having a full schedule while most of my friends have an early release schedule. DDC (Desert Dance Company) is my last period, since the team was too small to make it a class during the day, it had to be an after-school class that I couldn’t leave and come back for. But it’s okay between a full day of fashion, dance, and easy academics… I was satisfied with my schedule. Adding on to my senior priorities, I also wanted to join the YL leadership team as a junior leader. I realized I could find a YL group in California to help lead when I am in school there, it could help me find friends and stay connected with YL. Last year, I met with the area director who had no problem with me being a junior leader so long as I didn’t act on my gay tendencies including anything sexual. He told me about a guy who works at the camp locations who is gay and celibate then recommended that I give it a shot. After asking for more clarification on celibacy, I was uncomfortable having this talk with an older man whom I had never seen other than at area events. But since I lacked any sexual experience, I shrugged and just went along. I wasn’t planning on having sex anytime soon, and I wanted my first time to be with someone I love so I wasn’t worried too much. But does this mean I can’t even think about sex? Then the overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame overloaded my mind thinking about masturbating and looking at inappropriate stuff online. I knew I had to stop if I wanted to stay a part of YL and continue my journey with God. With how many questions I have about Christianity, I don’t understand why I was still trying to seek validation here… So many of my peers tell me they leave YL events feeling full and I leave full alright.. filled with more questions than the last meeting. I can tell no one feels comfortable with me there besides two leaders, one of whom I feel like it’s challenging to build a mentorship/friendship with as she leads the female students mostly and the other is my grade’s male leader who is personable and kind, but I don’t know how to talk about my issues without feeling embarrassed or awkward. I know he wouldn’t understand the challenges of a gay teenage boy. To make matters worse, I’ve formed a little crush on him too, he is a lot more comfortable with himself and open than the other male leaders so it was easy to fall into his charm. But I knew I didn’t have a chance with him, he is an older college student and he’s straight with a girlfriend who leads at another school’s YL. I feared straying from a path I’d been so used to for so long even though I saw it crashing down before my eyes. I have spent the last 3 years trying to authentically be myself while following the path of God, I am starting to realize how tired I am of battling my inner emotions and keeping up with the expectations of religion and God. When It came to YL, as the good parts of it came, they came in super high. But the lows seemed to be lurking always. Did I want to always be feeling this way?
Today’s conversation came as a surprise, especially after the conversation I had about leading with YL last year. I was asked to come meet two of my YL leaders and the new area director whom I thought was going to be a lot more accepting of me. She was this granola, curly-haired lady who was at face value warm but deep down I was about to discover a new side of her. We sat in the common space of the YL offices and started with small talk about the suburb I had grown up in my whole life the very place we were in. My favorite leader was there, she was the one I am closest to, and then the head leader who I knew didn’t care for me. He was this bearish, lumberjack-looking guy usually found in flip-flops and a tank top, today he looked a bit stressed as did my other leader. The three of them sat and it was silent for a minute. The director pulled out a YL policy handbook and had me read the part about same-sex orientation and how they could have no job in YL whether it be volunteer or paid. As they all looked at me with sympathy I was confused. I was just told I wouldn’t be able to lead with YL ever… Trying to soften the blow, they said I could still do junior leader “responsibilities” I just couldn’t call myself one or own the title. After many apologies, I was trying just to be respectful and accept fate. The director asked if she could pray over me, all four of us bowed our heads and she began to pray. She spoke mostly about hoping God finds the right path for me, and how grateful they were to have me a part of YL. I’m not sure if it’s my bitterness or if this is actually what it was but I think it’s all bullshit. So you’re telling me I can do the work but I can’t be an official leader? When I got back in my car, I tried not to cry, I didn’t want my leaders who were still in the building to see me in a vulnerable situation. I felt so embarrassed, appalled, and disappointed. The worst part is you’d think it was because of how YL was treating me, but it was because of my sexuality. Why do I have to be gay? Why don’t I feel normal, I finally found something that I thought accepted me but they didn’t. For probably the 100 millionth time, I was confused. If I was told I was called on God to do this, why wasn’t he letting me? I think I’m a good person, I haven’t killed someone, I haven’t touched drugs or alcohol… and when I have it’s all been in moderation and under the supervision of pretty trustworthy adults. I am being punished for feelings I have towards people of the same gender? I just don’t see how this is a problem. Recalling a sign hanging in the room as they told me I couldn’t be a part of the team. It was white with the organization’s logo, and underneath the slogan read “You were made for this.” I wanted to be there for the younger students, but not even they cared for me. I wanted so badly to be the YL seniors who came before me, but I realized that I am not them, nor is YL the same as it once was. But knowing myself, I’ll be there every Monday and Thursday for my younger peers who look up to me. I wanted to give up but I am doing this for them now. The seniors I knew showed up for me, and I feel inclined to return the favor.
Winter
If I’m being honest, I have convinced myself that I will be not attending this Prom year. While all my friends would plea and tell me how much I would regret it, I knew it would be a waste of my time. I wanted to go with a real date this year, a guy, not a friend that is a girl. Ash was fun, but she has a date this year, and I wanted to know what it felt like to go with someone I saw myself with romantically. I stayed hopeful that someone would ask me, “Why don’t you ask someone?” people always ask me, while I would always say “Because I want to be the one who is asked.” I knew deep down it was because no guy I liked would say yes, let alone be respectful about it. I am terrified of confrontation, and the thought of humiliating myself in front of a straight guy was enough to just skip prom altogether. If I were to go, I would still wanna go with Julian, I pass him every day on the bridge from my English class to Economics. His rosy cheeks and curly brown hair still make me weak at the knees. We sometimes make eye contact and I try to let out a smile but my face freezes. I want no signs that I might be interested, so I just look away and pretend I don’t care about the glances whatsoever. But when I think about it, I feel fireworks burst in my tummy, and what I want to do is to run up and kiss him. I am now 18 and still haven’t even had my first kiss, what a dream it would be to have it at prom. Well, I hate to break it to myself, but that’s all it would ever be… a dream.
Spring
I went to see my dance friends while they took photos for Prom. They all looked so beautiful, and I’m being honest when I say I didn’t feel an ounce of regret or fear of missing out. I felt even worse knowing that I didn’t get a date and for that matter, my first kiss. After seeing the dancers off in their limo, I spent the rest of the evening with Aleia. We tried to make a DD service for those we knew were gonna be getting drunk after the prom. No one took us up on the offer, my makeshift Uber system was not successful. But it gave us all the more opportunity to load up on junk food, watch movies, and fall asleep. One person that I was obligated to pick up was our best friend, Justin, he had a date for this year and they looked so cute together! Justin said he would let us know when to get him. Aleia and I fell asleep waiting, by 3 AM I had 2 missed calls and texts from Justin. We jolted up, ran to my car, and headed to the address he sent us. Once we got there, we had to call him to get the gate code, since he couldn’t even form normal sentences over the phone, his date took over the call and gave us the code. Of course, it had to be a gated community, classic for the area we went to school in, I saw a bunch of our classmates coming up to the car. I asked them to grab Justin. After about 30 minutes of hearing Justin’s cackle in the near darkness, Aleia was pretty fed up, got out and went to grab him. Ad they were walking back to the car, I could hear her and Justin bickering. “He wants to stay here!” she said annoyed looking over at me. “Justin where are you gonna sleep, they aren’t letting anyone stay here?” she asks. “I’ll just sleep on the floor.” He slurs drunk and laughing as she helps him in the car. I drove off, and Justin began telling us how rude we were for not letting him stay. “Are you hungry Justin?” I asked, “Yes, but why would you care since you didn’t let me stay.” He scoffed. I knew he was just drunk and trying to be funny. “Justin we just want to make sure you are safe, you’re mom would kill us if anything happened,” I said firmly hoping the rest of the discussion was over. The rest of the car ride was in silent, except for the snors coming from Justin who was dead asleep. I stopped and went through the Jack in the Box drive-through. Back at my house, we all got comfortable in the common area of my living room. Justin fell asleep after a few bites of his food in his hand, Aleia was quietly on her phone probably texting her Pennsylvania boyfriend about tonight. Right before I closed my eyes, I wondered where I would be right now had I gone to prom with someone. Would I be drunk on alcohol, or drunk on love? For the first time in the whole day, I finally felt the regret of missing out on what the day could’ve been.
In the blink of an eye, I woke up on the day of my high school graduation. As I walk down the stairs I see balloons and a card on one of the side tables. One of the balloons is shaped in the silhouette of a grad cap. “Congratulations Grad!” It reads. I look at the table and see chocolates, a jewelry box, and a card. It’s from my mom. Smiling I put the card down, open the jewelry box and find a beautiful rose gold watch with a brown leather band. Trying not to cry, I knew I needed to get ready for the day. Aleia and Justin are coming over in a bit to get pictures together with their families. Taking pictures with Aleia and Justin in our cap and gowns doesn’t even feel real. We have prepared for this for so long yet no one tells you to prepare for how you’ll feel. Our parents are crying and we are trying to stay composed “It’s not cool to cry.” We all say mocking our parents. After photos, we all talk about meeting up on the football field. As we all load into our separate cars, my mom drops me off at the school, we check in and head to the assigned classroom we wait in with the row of people we sit with on the football field. We weren’t allowed to have our phones so we all were forced to talk to each other. The girl I sit next to told me my watch “made me look sexy.” I chuckled a little and said thank you. She was wearing these wedge heels that made her stumble everywhere. Lining up to leave the classroom the teacher walked us around the campus one last time. Everyone is waving at each other as we walk by other groups of seniors, some are crying, and others taking it all in. Once we were ready we were led to the entrance of the walkway to get to our seats on the field. The crowd of family and friends cheered as the class of 2014 walked down the field. This moment feels so surreal, almost like a dream. I sat through speeches and the choir performing “Ain’t It Fun” by Paramore as our class graduation song. Finally, we were all called to get our diplomas and a picture with the principal. After getting up to get my diploma and picture taken, I head down the center back to my seat. I was one of the last rows since my last name starts with a “W” so I get to see everyone. I see peers gushing with excitement, my best friends who are giving me silly looks, every boy I have ever wanted to kiss, and lastly, I see Julian the current boy I want to kiss. He is laughing with people in his area and I wish he would look up at me. But he doesn’t, and he won’t. The announcement is made “CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2014!! YOU DID IT!” Fireworks shoot off and cheers begin and we toss our caps in the air. I take a million pictures and get a trillion hugs from family, teachers, and friends. I still feel like I am in a dream and I am not sure how to make sense of it. I am fully awake, but this doesn’t feel real. I glance over at Julian taking pictures with his friends and want to walk over and tell him how I feel. I’ve liked him for over the last two years now, and I’ll never see him again. I stop myself from spacing out and try to stay in the moment but it’s going so fast. As the night transitioned to the next event, My mom handed me my packed bags for the project grad trip. She kissed me on the cheek and a hug then “Be safe and have fun!” Waving bye and running into other moms asking her how she was. I met with Justin who was in my group for the trip, his mom is our chaperone. (For those of us who don’t know, Project Grad is an overnight trip or event in the school gym and the goal is to keep students from drinking and doing drugs to prevent any unfortunate events from happening the night/day after graduation.) My school chose to do an overnight trip to Disneyland. Once we were changed and ready to go we loaded onto one of the charter buses. But it got stalled as someone on our bus decided very last minute they did not want to go as they were having a fallout with another person on the bus. We all had to wait, and by all I mean the 3 other buses and everyone for her parents to come get her before we could all leave. Once things were settled we were off and I am not exaggerating when I say fell asleep until I felt the bus park in the Disneyland parking lot. We were taken to the House of Blues cafe in Downtown Disney where they had breakfast waiting for us then the rest of the day we spent in the parks. There came a part of the day when we sat to watch the parade go by. While waiting, I looked up and saw Julian walking down Main Street alone. It was the only time I saw him the whole day and it was like everything slowed down. I looked at him like I had all the boys I thought I loved before him. He had no idea I was there and I could never forget his smile, I wanted to run up to him and just let him know how much I wish we could’ve fallen in love. But while I knew I would never see him again, I knew nothing would come of it. So I let him walk off, I let him go. I watched him disappear into the crowd of Mickey Mouse hats, and with that, he became the beautiful stranger he always was.
