Dear 18
July 2024
Dear 18,
Every adult at the time told you to appreciate what you have before you graduate, and they were right. There are times I wish I could go back to you. I know hearing that wasn’t the easiest to digest. Enjoying your youth was not an option when you spent most of it resenting the person you were. You were so fixated on growing up and things getting “better”. You wished for so much but at the same time, you were still just a kid. You had forgotten that you had so much life ahead of you. You didn’t stop to appreciate the things surrounding you truly. It felt like you needed to prove something when you were in high school and even when you left. You were confused about who you were because you overthought constantly about how to hide the authentic parts of yourself to remain safe from judgment and bullying. You spent so much time carefully curating versions of yourself you thought would make you look better, to make people more comfortable around you, and concealed so much of your light. You believed in a community of people who told you the god they loved would love you too, then like the holy spirit they worshipped, they ghosted you the minute you graduated. On top of it all, I know you were hoping to go to your dream school in Los Angeles, but it just wasn’t in the cards. You worked so hard to attend this school and your heart was shattered when you found yourself coming to realize that California was too much for you at 18, and stressing your already overworked mom out to try to make ends meet just wasn’t worth it. During all of this, you watched your best friends go, starting new journeys without you. Learning what your place looked like in their new life, and how they fit into yours. You felt a bit left behind and forgotten. As though, everyone was one step forward while you stayed three steps back. I know that you tried so hard, and I can imagine that you think you’ve let whatever it was you were aiming for down. But I want you to know that you didn’t let anyone or anything down. The only person expecting unrealistic things from you was yourself. It was difficult to let go of how we thought our life would play out, but I want to thank you for doing what you could with what you had. And from the bottom of my heart know that I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way you wanted but trust me, you did extraordinary and you still are. I am beyond proud of you for pushing us past the threshold of being a teenager and entering into adulthood the best way you knew how to.
There is a big turning point in our life at 23, and I’ll preface it by saying that bullies don’t go away. Some hide behind religion to excuse their bigotry, some were friends that you thought had your best interest, and some were even your bosses/co-workers. Know that I’ve since made peace with the mutual harm those people and I caused each other. While I’m sorry for it, it was the best way I knew how to cope with my emotions while I was being mistreated. I don’t consider these people enemies, frenemies, or anything in between, because to do that would be to say that they still play a part in my life today. Even though I continue to heal from these experiences, it’s helped me find a silver lining… People don’t have to like you, some don’t grow out of their hatred, and while it’s unfortunate… they’re not my problem. It’s not my business how someone feels about me unless they say something. I rarely ask because I realized I could think of far more important things to worry about, and once this clicked, I truly found clarity within myself. From that point on, I stopped overanalyzing how comfortable people were in my presence, I took up room, and let these people think whatever they wanted. Curiosity is natural, don’t get me wrong it’s 100% okay to wonder what people think about you. It just no longer serves me in the same way. I stay grateful to these people who continue to dislike me. They gave me on of the best gifts in life, liberation. They’ve taught me no matter what you do, who you are, or even if you have the purest of intentions… chances they’ll still not like you. It’s a direct reflection of them and their jealousy. So be who you want to be, live authentically, and most importantly be kind. I emphasize the "be kind” part because there is a difference between not liking someone because you’re jealous of them and because their vibes are off. Know the difference.
You will find people who will love you inside and out, they’ll nurture your light, and encourage you to keep growing. While many of those people come to mind, one that shines the brightest came to me in 2017. My husband Steven. (yes we have the same name.) He came to us around the same time we let go of what people thought about us. He’s taught me that there are people who look at me and appreciate what is under the surface, he taught me to let those people in. Through that, I’ve allowed people to see my light and let people give and take from it. He’s truly shown me what loving fiercely looks like, having empathy even when we don’t see eye to eye, and the joys that struggle can bring. I am forever grateful that life led me to him and the community we’ve built together. Being an adult can sometimes feel like a race against all odds, to stay ahead, and compete with others. But I will tell you now that I’ve learned that competition has never motivated me to succeed. I believe what is made for me will find its way to me, and what isn’t, will go to someone just as talented and skilled. We can’t be good at everything, community is important because we can utilize, support, and celebrate one another. There is room for everyone to grow in their interests and relationships. That’s the mentality I take now in my community and my relationships (especially my marriage). We should support each other, celebrate our wins, and work through our losses.
And now at 28, and on the rise to 29. The rose-tinted veil of ignorance has since then been removed and I wish I could tell you that “it gets better” but I don’t want to create a sense of false hope. I rarely say this on any occasion to anyone because I don’t want to ease the discomfort you face as an adult. And at 18, I wish I didn’t cling to this thought so heavily. Maybe my expectations would’ve looked different if I hadn’t focused so heavily on the idea that what I had needed to be better, but I can’t take it back now. So what I will say is that being an adult is a balancing act of joy and hardship, for most, there is something about adult life that we all struggle with. In all honesty, I hate the responsibility that comes with being an adult. And I know this is something you weren’t thinking about the faster you wanted to grow up. Life is not easy, it doesn’t always feel better. Anyone who tells you they’ve cracked the code is blowing smoke up your ass. No one has it all figured out. You continuously learn from the minute you wake up to the time your head hits the pillow. Life has a funny way of shifting the ground from underneath you. You have to be ready for change and you have to be open to what is presented to you. So to conclude, because if I don’t I’ll go on about the last 10 years forever… When I tell a young person to enjoy their youth (which is rare cause I am still young lol) I think of my childhood and the way I laughed, my favorite striped shirt and the worries that kept my mind occupied as a kid. How all of it seemed so small compared to now, where I’m contemplating if I buy a $5 pint of ice cream, will I have enough money left for rent? Unfortunately, no word problems in a math textbook prepared us for this part of life. So I decide to buy the ice cream and worry about the rent later. After all, life is a balancing act of joy and hardships. I’m thankful to be hopeful for my future. Life has taught me to keep moving forward and I continue to recognize the privileges I’ve had up to this point through joys and hardships. And even while being an adult can suck tremendously bad, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel loved every day, appreciate a laugh and smile when I can, and try my hardest to heal what’s been broken inside of me. Through it all, I hope I stay kind and curious, dream big, love so hard, continue to do good for myself and others, and keep holding on to what’s important.
You did extraordinary, and you still are.
