Thank you for doing what you could with what you had. And from the bottom of my heart know that I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way you wanted but trust me, you did extraordinary and you still are. I am beyond proud of you for pushing us past the threshold of being a teenager and entering into adulthood the best way you knew how to.

Maybe, I am just not being forward enough.. but realistically I can’t change the way straight boys feel. I can’t make them feel how I want them to. And I unfortunately don’t know how to stop myself from feeling this way for them either… they are all I have, the only options I can dream about in this small sad suburban town. I can’t wait to be out of high school, out of this town, doing something more with my life. I know that when I leave, everything is gonna happen for me.

But seriously, Tumblr made me feel more mature and introduced me to a whole new world of boys, aesthetics, and art. I started to realize that the world is bigger than the four walls of my high school or the suburb I am surrounded by. The guys I talked to were not like the ones I was in classrooms with.

It should come as no surprise that nothing goes anywhere with James. Through careful observation, and multiple sources, I find out he is straight. Once that was confirmed, I didn’t tell anyone of how I felt in worry of humiliation. It was challenging not having Aleia my best friend either, she decided to stay with her dad in Pennsylvania for high school. And while we still talked, it’s wasn’t like how we used to. I had to pretend to be a girl when I called her because her dad was really strict about her having no guy friends, and it was even worse if they were gay ones due to his beliefs. We had to code our conversations so he didn’t know we were talking about boys or anything else that would go against the rules he had for Aleia. I’ll admit it was fun, but I couldn’t ignore our differences, different timezones, different schools, and the most important difference I felt was the fact that I was still fantasizing about straight boys, while she was experiencing what it was like to actually be noticed by straight boys, she even started talking to a boy.

Especially my very first real life, not a celebrity, brown hair, and blue-eyed crush, Mark. He had the 2009 Justin Beiber haircut and mainly wore skinny jeans, a shoelace for a belt, and a white t-shirt. The first time I saw him was in gym, he hung out with the kids that intimidate me. (One of them being the girl who called me weird on the bus.) Mark was all I thought about. We have some interaction in gym, and he’s actually quite nice to me. I felt like he’d be the perfect person to share a first kiss with.

Truth be told, after getting fired from my last job I realized that I wasn’t where I wanted to be at 28. Well, that’s not all true, it was just the career part of my life. In ways, getting fired was almost like a sign to finally close that door. After almost 10 years of retail, I don’t even know where I’d turn to or what else I would be good at. It’s like I put all my eggs in one basket. With every personal interest I decided my job was more important over, every birthday I worked, and the holidays I missed, I kept watching my eggs break. I gave two years of my time and energy to my last job and certainly let them crack whatever was left in the basket. I am still right where they left me to pick up whatever I can while they moved on.