Straight Bloomer Pt.1
“Am I too young to feel like this? Forever in love but never been kissed.”
2005
I had my heart set on him. He is the coolest guy, he knows how to play guitar, and he has tattoos. My mom thinks he looks like a delinquent, but to me, he was a god. I am very confident that I am gonna marry him even. Pete Wentz is the actual love of my life. My older siblings purposely play “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” while we drive “Hey Stevee, do you hear what’s playing? “ my older sister asks. I don’t respond, instead I get red in the face and smile bashfully. They laugh, as I continue to swoon over the music. Alone in my room, I practice kissing with a Bratz Boyz doll. The wardrobe was complete with tattoos I drew all over the doll’s body. I did everything I could to style the hair to emulate Pete Wentz’s. When I decided he was ready, I went to town. With all my hope I wished that I could experience the real deal, not even caring about the fact that he is a 27-year-old celebrity and I am only a child living in snobby subrbia. I just knew that something awoke in my 11-year-old heart. One night, I put my scrapbooking skills to use. I cut out every picture I found of Pete Wentz in all the teen magazines I’ve been collecting and glued them to pages in my journal. Arranging them, making sure not to cover over other photos. Drawing hearts and stars all over the page, writing “I heart Pete Wentz” and “Future Mr. Pete Wentz”, and leaving space to confess my love to him. “What do you want to send and to who?” My brother asked annoyed. “I want to send something to someone… I just need an envelope and a stamp,” I said if not equally, more annoyed that all the office supplies happened to be in his room. “Well, I wanna know who!” He pestered, this time reaching for the papers I had in my hand. “I DON’T NEED TO SHOW YOU! STOP!” I yelled. He swiftly grabbed my wrist and twisted it. I screamed and squirmed, trying my best to wiggle my wrist out of his grip but it hurt. He snatched the pages from my hand, looked at them, went silent before letting out the laugh I only heard when he watched “Family Guy.” He looked like a tomato from how hard he laughed. I felt heat rush to my face and the tears form in my eyes, “I HATE YOU!” I said grabbing the papers and running to my room slamming the door shut. I let out a sob, I feel so embarrassed. I threw the papers in the corner and put the doll in my closet, I wanted nothing to do with the shame I felt. A couple of days later in my room while watching TV and playing with my Bratz, I don’t think of what happened. To be honest, I lost any urge to send the collages I made to Pete Wentz. (It’s probably a good thing though.) There is a knock on my door, it was my brother. I didn’t talk to him the last couple of days, and I thought he was going to apologize. “I need to show you something.’ He said, “Well I really don’t care to look at whatever it is.” I said trying to close the door. He used his hand to hold the door open. “Seriously Stevee, I need to know.” He said. I opened the door, “What?!” I said getting angry. “Come to my room.” He said, not wanting to go, I decided to still follow cause he wouldn’t give up if I didn’t. I sat on the floor, “Why do you like boys?” He asks very forwardly. I was so confused, I didn’t know how to answer this question, and to be honest I thought it was normal for me to like whoever I wanted. But come to think of it, I never in my whole life… have liked a girl. Up until this point, I didn’t even realize that everything I would watch on TV had to do with a boy and a girl. I would find myself always wanting to be the girl character but never wanting to kiss the girl character. “Because I do.” I said, “No really, why do you like boys?” He insisted “Because I just do, I don’t know.” I said starting to feel confused and shame all at once. “Why can’t you give me a clear answer?” He asked annoyed “Nick, I told you I just like them. I don’t know why.” I said getting up to put my foot down. He looks at me “Well, I hope you know that liking boys is only gonna make your life more difficult. There are even some people who are going to tell you you’re going to hell for it Steven.” He said in his serious tone. Mortified, I looked directly at him “Stop it, it’s not funny to joke about that,” I said. “I am being serious, look at this video.” He said pointing at the computer. I walk over to the screen and see protesters with signs on a news outlet. Nervous, I read the signs… “God Hates Fags,” “Pray the gay away,” and “It’s Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.” I found myself very confused by this, mainly because I don’t know what the word “Fag” meant. I feel my face heat up and tears fall from my eyes. I ran out of the room and looked for my mom. “MOM!” I yell. “What Stevee?!” She says concerned but resting on the couch. “Am I going to hell for liking boys?!” I asked impatient for her response. My mom, who went to church every Sunday, had a whole shrine with pictures of Jesus on her dresser, and carried a rosary with her wherever she went was my only hope of comfort and reassurance that I was on the big guy’s good side. “No! Who told you that?!” She asked, looking at me both worried and pissed. “NICK!” I said crying. “NICK, STOP SCARING YOUR BROTHER, HE IS NOT GOING TO HELL!! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!” She screamed looking up at the stairs. “I AM BEING HONEST! HE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT PEOPLE THINK!!!’ He yelled back. I sat there crying, spacing out a lot while my mom and brother fought. How could a God who encouraged everyone to spread love, hate me? And stupid Nick, what did he know? Mom said I wasn’t going to hell, so I believe her, even if I felt unsteady about all of this. For the first time I understood what it felt like to be different and how other people view the person I am. I also realized Pete Wentz could never love me, completely letting the fact that he’s a full fledged adult fly over my head, he’s straight. This has to be the worst day of my life, first I find out I am going to hell, and then I find out that the love of my life will never love me. In that moment I vow to never fall for another straight boy again…. Maybe that could be my loophole out of hell too.
2007 - 2010
By the time I reach 6th grade things just feel weird, but then again a girl referred to me as “the weird kid” on the bus the other day so maybe I will fit in just fine. At my old school, I only had one class and learned all my subjects there. Now, I am in a class for what feels like 45 minutes, then I have to go to another class for another subject. I’ll admit, it makes me a bit nervous since I haven’t had a schedule like this before and for the most part there are different kids in every class. By the time I go to P.E., it’s split up between boys and girls. What sucks is I have like no boy-friends, let alone many friends in general. For that matter, any kids I recognize from my old school have made it clear that being my friend is no longer in their interest. Luckily, I prepared myself well with the movies I had watched on high school, cliques were not a foreign concept to me. However, I was disappointed to know that cliques started in middle school and that I was not deemed cool enough to hang with the kids who were seen as the popular ones. Especially my very first real life, not a celebrity, brown hair, and blue-eyed crush, Mark. He had the 2009 Justin Beiber haircut and mainly wore skinny jeans, a shoelace for a belt, and a white t-shirt. The first time I saw him was in gym, he hung out with the kids that intimidate me. (One of them being the girl who called me weird on the bus.) Mark was all I thought about. We have some interaction in gym, and he’s actually quite nice to me. I felt like he’d be the perfect person to share a first kiss with. Things changed one day, Mark was holding the door open for everyone with another kid in the class. “Thank you,” I said looking at him. He looked at me and started laughing with the other kid. “That was weird” I thought to myself, however I went about the rest of the day then later on the bus going home, a friend I had from elementary school ran up and sat next to me “Steven I have to tell you something but you have to promise you won’t make a scene!” I was getting nervous, “Okayyyy"…” I said. “LeeAnn told Mark about how you really like him. I felt bad and thought you should know. They both laughed about it, and I think it’s because she likes him too.” My friend said. LeeAnn was a girl I sat with at lunch, and more than likely overheard me talking about Mark with other people. I was so mad at her, but before I could confront her about it, she stopped sitting with us a lunch and shortly after that to her convenience, she moved to California. Horrified, all I thought about was the conversation I had with my brother a couple of years back. Life was about to become the most difficult thing for me. I became not only the weird kid but the gay one too. As the months passed, I stopped hearing the question “Are you gay?” as frequently, I made friends who were very accepting and provided me the safe space to talk about my feelings towards boys freely. To be honest, I barely got bullied until one day at lunch, the table I sat at was only a couple tables away from the one Mark sat at. I noticed that him and his friends were looking over a lot, I tried my best not to stare back. Mark approached the table, “Hey, can I sit here?” He asked as my friends moved. Right across from me, there he was. We hadn’t had an interaction since a couple of months ago in gym when he got pissed at me during a game of basketball. (I am not good at sports.. sue me.) “Hey beautiful,” he said sarcastically. I looked over and saw his friends laughing. “Would you wanna hang out with me baby? We can chill on the field during free time.” He said I look at my friends and none of them were laughing but one… bitch. Realizing I was being laughed at, I laughed too not knowing how else to react. “Well baby if you wanna hang, meet me on the field.” He said winking, blowing a kiss, and walking away. “Are you gonna go?!” a girl at my table asks. “No,” I said flatly. I knew what would happen if I did. My intuition was proven correct during the passing period before my last class. “Hey, I need to tell you something.” My best friend Aleia said. “I’m neighbors with one of Mark’s friends and I asked him what the hell lunch was about… and Steven I think it was a good idea you didn’t go to the field after lunch…” She said looking at me with sympathy in her eyes. “Oh my god, why?” I asked feeling so embarrassed. “Mark was paid $20 to come up and flirt with you, the plan was to lure you to the field and then he was gonna beat the shit out of you.” She continues “I’m so sorry.” I felt my heart drop, I knew this was my reality but why did I still feel so stupid? “It’s whatever.” I said trying to laugh it off. “Luckily I didn’t go.” In that moment, I fell completely out of love with the idea of being with Mark, getting kissed by Mark, and really anything to do with Mark. While he didn’t get the opportunity to pummel me, he sure beat the crap out of my heart. I hope the $20 was worth it in the end.
7th and 8th grade got easier. I really got the hang of my class schedule and the great news was Mark isn’t in any of my classes for those next years including P.E. There was still no escape seeing him in passing every so often, he got a haircut that looks nice and his style has improved a bit. Other than that I didn’t quite see him the same anymore. No really, he could’ve been hit by a bus for all I cared. At this point, two new guys became the center attention of my heart, Alex and Grant. Alex is a pale, thin, and funny kid. He had beach waved blond hair, think… Ross Lynch style. His good friend and the other love of my life, Grant was tan, brown haired, and a little bit more on the shy side from what I observed. I knew I couldn’t be with them, cause just like Mark, they were straight. I’m sure they knew who I was, I was the weird gay kid after all and unfortunately I stuck out even if I didn’t want to. One time, through an anonymous game on Facebook where you are asked questions about your “friends” the game would let you see who answered certain questions about you. After school, if I wasn’t mending my farm in some farm craft game, I checked for notifications on questions “This person thinks of you as a friend. SEE WHO!” pinged a notification. Of course, desperate for validation, I clicked it. The bubble on the screen read “Do you think you could be friends with Steven?” Clicking on the blurred profile pic, Alex’s photo appeared and the check on the box was selected YES. I was beyond myself , it was like winning the lottery. I danced to “Tik Tok” by Kesha on full blast, jumping up and down, kicking my feet and shit. However, I didn’t want to repeat ghosts of straight boys past so I didn’t tell many people of the crush I had on either of them nor did I plan on them finding out. One exception was Aleia, she knows practically everything about me. While listening to Taylor Swift’s album “Fearless” on repeat, I started to write an “Alice and Wonderland” romance novel inspired by the love I wanted with them. Then I’d read the finished parts of the fan fiction to Aleia over the phone. We talked every night. She thinks I should actually pursue writing as the story and narrative wasn’t all that bad. Moments like these live very secretly in my head. My room is my safe haven, I get to day dream, keep my crushes private, and let myself be open. The fear of being beat up, or worse Alex and Grant monetizing off humiliating me, haunted my day to day school life. So I knew it was best to just be myself around those who allowed me that freedom. Hiding the parts I love about myself wasn’t ideal, but it is safe. These imaginary parts of my life had most certainly become better than my reality. So majority of the time I stay here, hoping some how my worlds would merge together one day.
The summer after middle school, Alex and Grant were pretty much old news. (Sorry boys.) I didn’t know if they were going to the same high school and I grew tired fawning over what I couldn’t have. Fortunate enough to not be subjected to their wrath, but destine to never be loved by them, I called it quits. Every summer Aleia spent the whole time in Pennsylvania to be with her dad. So I usually spent time with my other best friend Justin, or other friends too. One of them being a girl I became close with towards the end of 8th grade. One day she suggested that we go to a skate park in our town. I said yes, I had nothing else to do, so why not? The first few times we got there we kinda just hung out and watched boys skate. It made me nervous, I didn’t feel like I belonged there, nor have I ever in my life skateboarded. I don’t even know how to ride a bike. However she was really good at getting the attention of boys. Including one, Matt. He was brown haired, blue eyed, a bit shorter, and a year younger than us. The most important thing to note about him was he was beyond sweet. Even to me, which most straight guys especially the skating ones were not. I grew to really enjoy hanging out with Matt, he was funny and just so non-judgmental. My friend and him started dating, and while I was very jealous I knew I was not competition nor in the same league as my friend. She had such good boobs, a wonderful smile, bubbly however smart personality, and most importantly she was a girl. She wasn’t as interested in Matt as he was in her. And she knew I had a crush on him, but we both supported each other, I would live vicariously through her relationship with him, and she was able to kiss him, hold his hand, and ultimately date him . One night, she left the park before me and I was there waiting for my mom to pick me up, Matt was there waiting with me. “Now is your chance to tell Matt how you feel.” My friend texted me. I texted back “UMMMMM he’s your boyfriend??” “So? He should know how you feel no matter what.” She replied. Really contemplating if this was a good idea, I decided I was going to do it. While I have no way of protecting myself, I felt like Matt wouldn’t beat the crap out of me. As we waited for our rides, we laughed about some joke, and I looked at him. “Do you know what sucks?” I asked “What?” He said looking as me concerned. I felt every nerve in my body pulsate, my heart was beating fast, and I could feel the sweat on my palms. “ I can’t be with you.” I said, looking at him with blurry eyes. “Steven, I’m sorry.” He said. I looked away as he sat on a bench. “I really like you, but you are dating my good friend and I am not her.” I said. He got up and hugged me. “I am so flattered, but I am not into guys.” he said. “I know you aren’t.” I said chuckling still trying not to cry. “I hope you know I will always support you and hope that you find someone who will be there for you in ways I can’t.” He said. “Thank you for that. and I am sorry if I made anything awkward.” I said. “You didn’t” he said, as his car pulled up. “Well I’ll see you later, have a good night.” He said giving me another hug then getting in the car. My mom arrived soon after and as soon as I got in the car, I cried. I was in shock, here I was thinking I was gonna be ridiculed but I wasn’t. I couldn’t believe I told a straight boy how I felt about him. In ways this was my closure, I could stop torturing myself over Matt, and move on. He knows how I feel and I know that he can only be my friend. If there is one thing I gained from this it was hope. Hope that high school will be different, and hope that I will find someone who can give me what Matt couldn’t. I wish I could see the future, I hope whoever the boy I end up with is as kind as Matt was to me tonight. As my mom continued to drive, I looked up at the sky, closed my eyes, and wished for a boy, one that isn’t straight, and one that will be madly in love with me.
